Random Chatter

2003-02-26T17:59:00.000-06:00

boo hiss.

boo hiss.

2003-01-10T21:33:00.000-06:00

You're not going to find much here.

This space has been traded for a newer more hip look.

www.livejournal.com/users/radshoes

So change your links and call the folks.

You think on that- I'm going to go make a grilled cheese.

2003-01-04T21:14:00.000-06:00

Hooray for Canada! Read Matts blog...the links over there...

2002-12-23T20:29:00.000-06:00

Random Memory:

I'm drinking cherry coke out of a glass during "canteen" Marc is bouncing a tennis ball as we sit and talk. What do you know- the tennis ball finds its way into my glass. I take the tennis ball out- and Marc looks at me--and then I took a sip of cherry coke--yellow fuzz included and then looked back into the glass.

"Marc," I said, "What if there was an ameba in this?" Then I dumped it out.

2002-12-21T22:19:00.000-06:00

Everyone take a breath. Just one. Now value the use of two nostrils. I'm sick and I'm cranky. Well...more so just bored. I've got a whole lot of nothing going on lately. Which makes a boring blog for you to read--and a slightly less boring blog for me to write.

But the real issue is that I've been trying to figure out why Word Mojo won't work on my computer...and I haven't figure it out yet.
.Rougery.

2002-12-16T08:34:00.000-06:00

Jesus Ect. = Wilco

Boo Radley= The Snaggs

Steve Miller Band= The joker

2002-12-11T13:26:00.001-06:00

So. I'm really not sure how it got to this point...and this habit I've picked up is something you just read about in books and meant for 30 somethings. But. Whenever men come into the store- I look to see if they're married! When did this happen? When did I start glancing at hands for rings? The whole concept is insane to me. But men come into the store all the time and they flirt with you. Or rather, with me- and I smile and knod and try to get them to buy as much as possible-and then it happens- I look for a ring. Maybe I just get bored at work or maybe I've watched too many tom hanks flicks- but I feel so old...so old in fact-- that I have to check and see if the guy thats flirting with me has an unhappy wife at home...whom he shares his unhappy life with his unhappy dog...and I just work at the unhappy music store on his way home from work...

2002-12-11T13:26:00.000-06:00

[nothing]

2002-12-09T23:22:00.000-06:00

[Insert Huge God-Choir Music Here]

I just finished the last math class that I will ever take AS LONG AS I LIVE!!!!!!!!!!

Hooray! I'm more Joyful than an ant in a ginger bread house!

2002-12-04T01:32:00.000-06:00

I asked Troy my "inner age"

Troy: um....
Troy: I'd say like 70
Liz: oh good. that means my inner self is going to die soon.
Troy: you're obviously not like 19 because you act way older, but you can't be middle age because most 40 year olds act like they're 13, they just take lunchroom bullshit into the real world, which totally cuts them down and makes them disillusioned.
Troy: which you aren't.
Troy: so you have to be somewhere past retirement.
Troy: and used to it, because you have a certain confidence that only comes with being comfortable.
Troy: which is why I say 70
Troy: maybe 60

I was hoping he'd say "24"

2002-12-03T16:48:00.000-06:00

This post is titled "The Happiest Blog Post from Liz, in Months"

[insert big happy song and dance number here]

2002-12-02T17:26:00.000-06:00

The mood that I am in- at this VERY moment could potentially get worse- any second now.

I don't really like this feeling of being a walking time bomb. But I do know that whatever mood I escalate to- is not going to be a very good one. Tears or Swear words might be involved...and I'm sorry to anyone that has to witness it.

I've got alot of things to say. But unfortunatly no time to say them.

The song thats been on repeat in my car these past two days is: Something Corporate "I wanna say to you..."
It might give you a clue as to how I'm feeling.

2002-11-30T00:52:00.000-06:00

Quote of the week:

"If you're trying to be sneaky- you're doing a good job." --AJ

I'm going out of town for a few days...so Ned...do not think that I am dead.

2002-11-27T23:56:00.000-06:00

Why is it that I can lie so easily about anything I want- and at the same time I CANNOT help but tell the truth when it would be MUCH better to keep my mouth shut? Just got home from Cabaret. Everyone kept asking if I "liked it"--if I "was having fun" And. Well. I'm SOOO glad that I'm not in it. Amanda and Alex are amazing in it. AMAZING. Amanda looks beautiful and sings beautifully and dances awesome...she makes everyone else look like an old lady...she's like..Broadway caliber. Alex sounds AMAZING. His speaking voice- his singing voice- he's SOO great as Cliff. And other people and aspects of the show are really great too. I'm just unimpressed. The glamour that once was Starlight has faded away. And I'm one step closer to walking away without looking back.

2002-11-26T22:15:00.000-06:00

AHHHH!!! DO you have any idea what I HATE right now? Pants that go "swoosh swoosh" everytime the person wearing them moves. Oh dear lord. I'm going nuts. It seems my each member of my family has a pair on...and NONE of them can sit still. I'm annoyed like nobodys business.

2002-11-24T22:28:00.000-06:00

Went to WORK today. And even stranger I felt like going! Granted...it was the music store job of everyones dreams that I went to..and not the evil theater of death job. But. I think that Music Store job will make EVIL theater job easier to swallow. Like...at least I have something in my life at home to look forward to. AND only one person there now- worked there when I did once upon a time. BUT. most everybody seems very cool- and very alternative/punkrock/grunge everything thats needed to work in a music store.

The question of the day: Do I put blue back into my blond streaks?

2002-11-23T23:54:00.000-06:00

Finally. Something that suites me:

http://www.livejournal.com/users/radshoes/

Go Ahead..Knock Yourself Out.

2002-11-22T14:27:00.000-06:00

You won't understand how I feel right now. You can't possibly understand. Justin Hanninan called me today. This means quite a lot. There is an entire wealth of knowledge behind the one simple action of him calling me. I'm joyous and stunned. It means that when I called and left my number a month ago that he wrote it down. It also means that he didn't misplace the number. It also means that he put aside his hate for the phone in order to call ME and talk to me for OVER AN HOUR today. Granted, at least 10 minutes of that time was spent me saying "I can't believe you called me." We had a wonderful fabulous conversation in which Justin admitted that not only are we friends- but we're also pretty close friends. AND that his friends from home would love me-- AND that I get to go camping with them. Whoa. I was so giddy with happiness that I was considering driving to Auroa this weekend to spend time with him. And then I got over it.

I got another job today. Well. I got my old job back. Or. Something. I went in just to say hey and it ends up the store sucks in their customer loyalties sales and I rule at that...and I need more money and a job I don't hate...so yeah I got offerd the job. And I'm stoked about it. So stoked that I went out and spent 12 bucks on a pair of RED suiede shoes. They're hip.

2002-11-21T15:16:00.000-06:00

I haven't had a boyfriend in over a year. I've 'seen' boys. I've kissed boys. But I haven't turned to anyone and been like "This is my boyfriend, ____" I haven't had anyone that I could really depend on. My dreams lately have started to really freak me out. They have no rhyme or reason. They are just these complex journeys with guest appearences that make zero sense. It's all up there in my jumbled pile of thought. But. Humor me for a second:

Alright. An example.
In one hand we have boy #1. Boy 1 absolutely adores me. Is sweet and nice and gives me all the attention that I want and need. He's considerate and caring and listens to me when I talk. His face lights up when I walk into a room. He offers to take me out- he wants to take care of me- spend time with me. He calls me 'Lady'

In the other hand we have boy #2. Boy 2 is a friend, but barely a friend. He's a friend because we have the same friends. He doesn't flirt with me, or pay me much attention. We don't have anything to talk about. He's selfish and impatient. He's not gentle or caring. He calls me "Woman"

So which one do I go for? It never fails- I make the same choice everytime. Boy 2. Does it make sense? Absolutly not. Not even to me. Well it didn't make sense to me until recently. I figured it out- the reason I go with Boy 2--is because it CAN'T get serious. So its SAFE. Because I'm TeRRIFieD of relationships. They're too...risky. And I don't want anything to do with that.

2002-11-20T22:26:00.000-06:00

I wish that something fantastic happend to me today. I wish that something grand and exciting happend so that I could've rushed home and written a dramatic and captivating blog about it. But. It didn't happen. And it wasn't wonderful or interesting.

2002-11-19T08:11:00.000-06:00

"Secrets?!" My Dad asked me as I gave him a death look as he watched me surf the web over my shoulder. "You got secrets on there?"

This remark affected me in two ways. First: It pissed me off. Or rather, he pissed me off. Which is something that he tends to do-VERY often. I really am unsure how he does it- but within syllables out of his mouth I can go from normal to LIVID.

And second: It made me think. Secrets? Maybe. I just think that the real me exsists outside of my parents house. I'm not saying that I do terrible shameful things outside of the house- Or that the real me is someone not to be proud of but I don't think my parents really know me. They've known me the same way that they've always known- their daughter. They know me through filters and time. But they don't see me in class- or hear me at work. They don't get to see me with my friends. And they're not suppost to. They're not suppost to be curious about it either. It should just be understood- that there are words I speak, things I do and thoughts I think- that shouldn't be crossed with the word 'daughter'

2002-11-18T15:29:00.000-06:00

The stomach ache gets worse and worse the farther I get away from Carbondale. I didn't want to leave. I never want to leave. And my head was flooded with thoughts...and it still is. Thoughts that don't mean anything or go anywhere--they just swirl around in my head.

Donnie invited me to live with him. "Liz. I'm being serious- You can stay with me in my bed until I get you your own...you don't have to pay rent- just cook me food once and awhile. Liz. I'm being serious." And I'm seriously considering taking him up on it. I'm so lonley when I'm at home. I just want to be with my friends...and live my life.

"On this side of the rainbow its raining..."

2002-11-18T15:21:00.000-06:00

Drama. Some actual drama. And some potential drama. Ryan and I are cruising along on our way to Carbondale when my car decides that it can't go any farther. My distributor cap melted. And when it melted it went ahead and melted many other parts of my car that are needed to get anywhere. So. I call Troy. He was literally 2 minutes away from us when we called. So. He rescued us from the side of the highway and took us into town where I found a 'full service' garage thingy. After declaring Troy my hero over and over again I marched into the garage and threw my hands down on the service desk and said "I have a situation. If you choose to accept...[insert explaination of sounds and lights that happend on the car before it stopped moving]" Man at counter picked up the phone and asked the tower "How fast can you get a car to me?" At this point its 4:30 the garage closes at 5. Once the car got its checkup and he found that I needed a new distributor he told us that he couldn't have it done until saturday morning- around ten. I'm not sure what the look on my face was- but it must've looked like he had just murderd my puppy because without me saying anything he turned to his crew and asked "Hey. You guys got 45 minutes?" Thus my car was fixed 45 minutes later and Ryan and I continued on our track to Carbondale. And we sang out little hearts out.

For some reason my cell phone broke on our way down to C-dale. And has yet to start working. So. Unfortunatly I didn't get to talk to the wonderful people who called me ALL weekend. I just got to listen to their messages. Adam called. Told me that I had- to be at their place tonight. No was not an acceptable answer. So we went...and acted silly...acted really silly. And there I was walking around telling anyone and everyone that I love them. Which in a lot of cases is the truth. Cause those friends are rad. I pretty much successfully became "that girl" on Friday. Go team. I'd tell you more about what happend..but I can't say that I really remember.

Saturday was Harry Potter- China Buffet- and King Lear. We were all exhausted and just sort of chilled on Saturday night. Bricka is by far the most entertaining person I've ever met. And yeah. I was fucking exhausted all day- I crashed- and was woken up by Jake at 8am. He knocked and RANG the doorbell. (I had gone over to Adam and Johns the night before and Bricka, Ryan, Jake and I left around 3. I went home- the boys went to some party on Ralston. Jake got in a fight- then got kicked out- Bricka and Ryan just left him. They got home around 4. And crashed.) Jake staggers his way to Mandy and Jos and arrives around 8 am. He's drunk. More drunk that I've ever seen anyone. And he's limping. And crying. AND telling us that he slept outside because Someone was trying to kill us...and there was something about Star Wars- - and something else about not being from this world. I really don't know. But he smelled rank and was ice cold. SHIVERING in Jolenes bed. He woke up around noon and could've account for the 4+ hours he was wandering around Carbondale in a drunken stupor. Wow.

2002-11-14T16:44:00.000-06:00

Alright. Today sucked for about twenty different reasons. I feel soo shitty in fact that I'm not even excited to go to Carbondale tomorrow. Wait. That feeling only lasted a few seconds. I'm stoked to go to Carbondale this weekend. The moment I get on 39 can't come soon enough. And once I'm off...its only six hours until complete happiness.

2002-11-12T20:02:00.000-06:00

I have made alot of improvements on myself in the past year. But with those improvements I've also developed serious and unfortunate downfalls. Major faults. Things I am not proud of. Today I realized this: I am a liar.

And I'm sorry.

2002-11-12T13:31:00.000-06:00

An email from Jamie Lynn Hart that made me smile:

"Friend,
When you are sad, ....I will get you drunk and help you plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.
When you are blue, ....I'll try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
When you smile, ....I'll know you finally got laid.
When you are scared, ....I will rag you about it every chance I get.
When you are worried, ....I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining.
When you are confused, ....I will use little words to explain it to your dumb ass.
When you are sick, ....stay away from me until you're well again. I don't want whatever you have.
When you fall, ....I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
This is my oath, ....I pledge 'till the end. Why you ask? Because you're = my friend!"

2002-11-12T08:01:00.000-06:00

Lets assess the situation, at this very moment: My brother is behind me running on the treadmill. I'm eating a sausage biscuit with cheese from McDonalds. Well. Aren't I the poster child for bad heath?
I got up super death early to take my younger brother to school. While in the car I thought of a few completely unrelated stories.
Trish said to me the other night "Liz. I love you. Everything you say is so...perfect."

Last year my RA [resident assistant or advisor or asshole or whatever the A in that acronym stands for] would always wait until the verylast minute to make sure that he had enough people to attend these stupid guest speakers and such. So here Mike is standing at mine and Trish's door- watching us both try and tackle these very large piles of homework we both had on our desks, BEGGING us to go to this 'program' (as he calls it). Begging. Not asking or telling, but begging in a sweet guilt provoking way that only Mike Morris can beg. "Please.[sad look] I need at least [looks at shoes] two people to attend...or...[sigh] I'll get in trouble." Trish looks at him and looks at me, she looks as if saying no is going to kill her. After we exhausted all of our plausable excuses "My moms suppost to call..." and "I've got a test tomorrow..." he's still standing at our door. "Mike," I say to him, "doesn't it look like we're both busy?" to this remark he starts to kick the door frame, just little taps of his toes. "But. Its on how to use your time wisely..." To this Trish and I both look up at him with blank- unamused stares "Mike. That wouldn't be using my time very wisely now would it?" To this remark he left the room. Trish and I were victorious. [in a completely unrelated story:]

My friend Brent had a car that would honk everytime he turned left. This used to really piss people off in parking lots.

My friend Mark...(now I say that he is my friend, but truth be told, he was a friend of mine in High School- but I haven't talked to him in years...I dont even know what country he is in right now) used to drive me all over the place. He and I *almost* dated once, early on in my freshman year--before Justin swept me away and kept me off the dating feild for a few years. I am a year younger than Mark, and naturally he could drive a year before. He had this maroon car that I loved. There was nothing too special about this car- it didn't even have a tape player or a side view mirror on the passenger side. It was an 88. I didn't love this car for any reason but the reason of being able to leave the car running without the keys. For some reason or another- you could turn the car on- and then remove the keys. This feature was one we always took advantage of, "oh you need to get into the trunk- here" hand the person the keys and we can still listen to the radio without missing a beat, I especially liked this feature when it was really cold outside and Mark and I would just have to run into the bank (or the like) - Car didn't have a chance to get cold- leave it running- lock door. Really. I think that all cars should do this always. It's soo convienent. Except when we would be driving down country roads and the keys would hop out of the ignition and under Marks seat. This happend all..the..time. One day Mark picked me up and told me that his step-dad had taken the car in and had the igition fixed. From that moment on, the little maroon car was just a car to me. And another car has yet to be loved as much as I loved that one.

2002-11-12T01:59:00.000-06:00

If you're tired of reading about me and would rather look at me go here:

http://radliz.tripod.com

It's a cookie cutter website. But I don't really have the time/energy/knowledge for something more.

2002-11-11T19:59:00.000-06:00

I went to the park yesterday and wrote for two hours...in what was an abandoned journal. Abandoned by me...my last entry was in the middle of july. I like that journal. I like the way that my words look like on lined paper.

"Do you know what I need in a relationship right now? I need warmth. I'm not talking emotional warmth- not the "warmth I feel in my heart when he tells me that he loves me..." But physical warmth. The warmth of another person in my bed generating body heat. That I can put my cold hand in his and have it become warm. Physical warmth is all I need right now. Those of you who need more..need not apply..."

2002-11-10T01:34:00.000-06:00

"I've played guitar drunker than this...and the only thing that happend was another piece of duct tape..." -nate

He used to be my math tutor. Now he's the belligerent drunk on my couch.

2002-11-09T18:45:00.000-06:00

I just got off the phone with Emmie. God. I miss her.

2002-11-09T07:15:00.000-06:00

I just watched the sun come up. Just me alone with my pencil awake to welcome the world. These damn thoughts just won't leave me alone. And I'm not going through one of those 'what does it all mean' things. But when lifes not busy happening to me I'm busy thinking about life. All sorts of crazy things my mind provokes just to keep me awake. All sorts of thoughts..high school friends..camp friends...carbondale friends...I guess to sum it up I've been busy thinking about me. About my life. I've figured out that all I want to do is write something worth a damn. Sing something worth a damn. Do something worth a damn. I just want to write something interesting and exciting and valueable. I just want to be interesting and exciting and valueble.

2002-11-09T02:40:00.000-06:00

I have...alot of friends. And I'm not just talking about people that I know--because I know even more people but those people that I start stories about them with: "My good friend ___" And I mean it. I really mean it...I can't even list the number of people that I end phone conversations with "I love you." I guess I always knew it but I never really knew it until Ryan said to me tonight "You have SOO many friends." People that I would do anything for. ANYTHING. I told Josh the other night- if any of them called me thisminute and needed me- I would do everything possible- drop everything just to go be with them= if they needed me. My friends make me smile. They make me complete. They feel like home to me.

Somehow the most amazing people have found their ways into my life...and for some reason or another they want to be there.

song: Mona Lisas and Mad Hatters: Elton John

2002-11-08T19:24:00.000-06:00

I realized something today. I haven't been very observant lately. I've just been going through my days with blinders on. I'm not saying that I haven't been interacting with people- because I have..I jsut haven't found anything interesting or witty to share with you: my public.

So I've developed a crush on a guy in my intercultrual communications class. His name is Robert- I know this because I investigated the attendence sheet. Sneaky I know. I had never seen him before until he struck up a conversation before class with me. He's really nice...and adorable to boot. Now I realize that nothing will come of it...because little ever does. But I couldn't help myself from daydreaming about the two of us--silly weird things like him meeting my parents and me playing with his dog. [I don't even know if he has a dog] But. Robert and I get along great in my daydream. I think I could marry the Robert in my daydream.

But. Then I realize that so much more goes into a relationship than meeting parents and playing with a dog.

2002-11-07T22:11:00.000-06:00

And in the first moment of her waking up
She knows she's losing it, yeah she's losing it
When the first cup of coffee tastes like washing up
She knows she's losing it, yeah she's losing it
She goes to the mirror to put on her stuff
She knows she's losing it, oh yeah she's losing it
When she doesn't speak to anyone till four 0' clock
She knows she's losing it, yeah she's losing it
Oh yeah she's losing it

belle and sebastian: she's losing it

2002-11-06T01:46:00.000-06:00

Thank you EVERYONE for kicking my ass about the Toronto thing. Sometimes I forget that my life isn't a teen angst movie. In other news I've felt very loved lately...and I'm going to share with you two moments I had today that reminded me that I'm loved.

"liz! you know i love you. but if youre anyone other than liz, ill have you know that i absolutely dont love you. i only have time for one love in my life right now." -Ben

And that one my friends is= Me.

Now. Don't misconstrew my change of subject- Ben has never met me- never seen pictures of me. I know that he doesn't dig me. But OTHER events that took place tonight led a friend of mine to say this:

"Who hasn't been in love with Liz Newman... to be Liz is to have flocks of men wanting to be with her." -J

I'm in denial. But as my wise and wonderful roommate said "Liz. We're so stupid. Boys can be like 'Liz/Trish I love you.' And we're like 'uh..i don't think that he likes me...'"

I like this mood I'm in. I can't explain it. But I like it.

2002-11-05T03:10:00.000-06:00

I was trying to fall asleep when my mind became filled with New Years. Mostly Emilie and me driving up to Toronto to spend it with the rest of the crew...and for some reason I don't want to go. I'm terrified to go. When anyone talks about it this awful sick feeling overwhelms me...overwhelms me until it all overflows from my eyes- I can't understand this feeling- and why it makes me cry. It's like for some reason part of me wishes that camp hadn't happened- that the place doesn't exsist and that I didn't have to be reminded of it. I think I've come to the angry stage of grief. Because when I think about it now- I have to remind myself that its over and that it never will be again. I don't want to remember it because that means that I have to miss it. I'm not sure if my heart could bare being in the same room with Emilie Chad and Ned all at the same time.

2002-11-04T02:43:00.000-06:00

Once again I've become plagued with not being able to sleep. I think that caffeine free anything doesn't exsist--they just put it on the bottle to trick me. Those bastards. I've been stoked about my plans for next year. I'm going [back] to SIU. Speech Communications with an empathis in Performance Studies. Jamie is going to be my roommate. I couldn't be more excited. Unfortunatly it feels like forever away- but I'm sure it'll go fast. Besides- I may as well enjoy my time home right? Of course I think its silly that I left to begin with. I'm not sure what I was thinking. I think I needed to come home to save money and to make sure that I was doing what I really wanted. And now I'm sure. I called Jamie on Saturday and asked her if she would live with me. She said yes. I told Mandy today=I called and she was so stoked she started to cry. I told Adam tonight- he hid his excitement pretty well. But it doesn't matter what the team thinks= cause I'm doing this for me.

I haven't been writting much lately because I've been kind of down. I think just in a rut- cause I didn't have a clue what I was going to do next year. Like I was stuck pedaling nothing at home. But now I feel like I'm getting somewhere--and I'm actually saving money. Which is an insane concept for me: wait- to have money in my bank account? Thats weird. And if everything goes well- by next fall I'll have enough cash to pay for School and an apartment= allbymyself. The best part is that my parents won't make me pay for it- but for some reason showing them that I could- means that they'll help me out more. Crazy I know but thats how my politcal agreement with my parents works.

Josh and I are working on a movie. It's called "Sweet Happy Life" and I'm pretty proud of the concept. I'm not sure which of us deserves more credit- but we both created this concept and then plotted it out- story boards and everything. We have yet to get the dialouge out but we've both got an idea. We're going to SIU the weekend of the 15th. Of course I'm excited. All I really need is my SIU friends and a massive game of "truth or dare"- I think it would be hilarious and disastrous: and too much fun.

I'm stoked. Stoked like woah.

2002-11-03T23:45:00.000-06:00

So. There's this thing called money= and I can't spend any of it. Not if I want to be where I want to be in a year. I'll just take my time and get things ready...cause right now i'm STOKED so stoked I can hardly contain myself. IN other news Chad made my day:

11:35] The Chad: i dreamt of you in a play the other night
[11:36] The Chad: you were wearing tap shoes and devil horns

My friends are SO FUCKING cool.

2002-11-03T14:14:00.000-06:00

So. This CRAZY thing happend to me the other day. Well. I think it was yesterday. I figured out: In a completely rational way: what it is I want to do with my life. Well. I've always know what I wanted to do--I just never really knew how to get there..and now suddenly I do. I'm stoked.

Song for the weekend:
Rufus Wainwright "Instant Pleasure"

2002-11-02T15:31:00.000-06:00

I've recently discoverd how boring my blog is. I'm sure that most of you have known for quite a while. I just thought it was important to let you know: that I know.

The truth is: I'm not happy. I'm not unhappy- or depressed- but I'm not thrilled with the situation I've found myself in...it makes me uncomfortably shift in my seat. My thoughts are filled with other people in other places- not home. It's strange because I'm the kind of person who constantly throws out the phrase "Everything happens for a reason" as some sort of comfort. So. If I was meant to go back to SIU and be there--then why didn't I know that from the start. What did this hiatus do for me? Nothing is obvious to me right now. But I'm sure there is some sort of reason. Am I being overdramatic? I'm not sure. But for some reason this helpless feeling I have is just a page before excitement- because I'm not sure where I'm going just yet--but I know that I'll be happy to get there.

2002-11-01T23:56:00.000-06:00

song for right now:
lets blame our honesty on alcohol
by: The Moment

2002-11-01T16:11:00.000-06:00
[03:54] Liz: get a coin out.
[03:54] Brika: A coin?
[03:54] Liz:and flip it.
[03:54] Liz: heads= SIU
[03:54] Liz: tails= NIU
[03:55] Brika: Alright.
[03:55] Brika: Heads
[03:56] Liz: do you lie?
[03:56] Brika: Nope
[03:58] Liz: well. I guess that decides that.

2002-10-31T19:48:00.000-06:00
My favorite quotes from the past week:

"The couch was fine. I made an agreement with it yesterday" -JH

"I know! You never should've left!" -JN

"Liz FUCKING NEWMAN is in CARBONDALE!" -TK

"Dude. We were getting laid at the same time! How cool!" -EB

"Wait. THE Liz?!" -JH

"Sometimes I wish that I was your boyfriend...so I could make you happy" -JW

"Lizzie BEAR! You're NOT DEAD!"

ah. I love my friends. I love my moments spent with them.

2002-10-29T17:55:00.000-06:00
find me here/speak to me/i want to feel you/i need to hear you/you are the light/that is leading me/to the place where/i find peace again/you are the strength/that keeps me walking/you are the hope/that keeps me trusting/you are the life to my soul/you are my purpose/you are everything/and how can i/stand here with you/and not be moved by you/would you tell me/how could it be/any better than this/you calm the storms/you give me rest/you hold me in your hands/you won't let me fall/you still my heart/and you take my breath away/would you take me in/would you take me deeper now/'cause you're all i want/you are all i need/you are everything/everything

This one goes out to those who stopped their lives for a weekend to spend it with me.

I'm missing Carbondale tonight...more than usual.

Lifehouse Everything

2002-10-28T17:10:00.000-06:00
Carbondale Illinois.

I took today off. I needed a day to recover. It was phenominal to be there. Everyone that I ever cared about in Carbondale in the same place- at the same time...in honor of me. The entire weekend I just kept hugging my friends--I couldn't believe that we were there together. I had a heart-to-heart with just about everyone I saw. I laughed I cried it made me realize how amazing the people in my life are.

Friday night: I mario knock and get let in my Mandy-Jolene-Jamie- it was the greatest welcome party of all time. My girls were there- and I couldn't have been happier. Jake and Brika and Trish and Donnie came next--it was wonderful. A little while into the party I was changing a CD- when Jamie yelled "Liz TURN AROUND!" I ignored her and shouted back "SHUT UP! I have the hiccups [hick]" then I turned and saw Mr. John Newman along with Adam Gabor and Mike Weight. I screamed- and hugged them each so tight. Dan was the last to show--but it was amazing to be with these people. Donnie sang for me-- "Everything" and "Waiting on an angel" as well as some new ones. Trish would yell out every 2 minutes "Liz FUCKING Newman is in CARBONDALE!" it was adorable...

[to be continued]

Continueing...Saturday Mandy and I went to Damiens to see Lane/Truman and CO. It was amazing. Lane has been working in LA as a PA- So imagine how jealous I am. Around 4:30 Mandy and I hit up "King Lear" rehearsal to see Les. Damn that boy looks good! AND The play is going to be hilarious. Les makes me smile like no other. The four girls [MandyJoleneJamieMe] went to Garfields for dinner-- had an amazing time with my girls. Then the craziest part of my weekend started. Saturday night-- FREDS DANCE BARN with my kids and the one and only Satya Cuilla. We had a boot stomping time at Freds-- like usual. Then we swung over to Hangar 9 where I saw even more people than I had expected. We closed out Saturday night with Adam and Newmans apartment. As always we got out of control. But these people feel like home to me.

It was like old times. God. I Love my friends.

2002-10-24T17:06:00.000-05:00
My cast list= almost 100% accurate. The only difference between my cast list and Mikes cast list is that I was on mine. Seriously, and I can't explain it. No one can explain it. So my only option is to be completely unprofessional and ask Mike why. Is it because my family doesn't donate large amounts of money to the theater? Is it because I don't work 40 hours a week? Is it because I'm one of his best tech people? Is it because I'm too tall? fat? young? I don't have a clue. But one thing I know for sure is that its not because I'm not good enough.

Everything happens for a reason, right? Right. So this is just meant to kick my ass and get me the fuck out of Rockford. The fuck out of that theater. I spent the afternoon filling out transcript requests and an application for Spring.

Did you know that the voice of Homer Simpson went to NIU? Well he did. And in 3 months- so will I.

2002-10-23T20:14:00.000-05:00
Christopher D. Brady told me today that I am the most talented person to come out of Hononegah...

I honestly think that my heart stopped beating.

2002-10-23T11:55:00.000-05:00
I've realistically casted the show. And it should be interesting. I don't know the specific names for each of the dancer roles. But non the less. I think I'm dead on. Politics included- Cabaret should be a pretty rocking show. I find out for sure on Thursday.

2002-10-22T09:26:00.000-05:00
Consider this a "best of" Emilies journal entry on camp. My favorite comments of Emmies favorite comments on her 'research project' on our summer 2002.

**KAT: "I felt like I really had made a good choice coming to NY. It was easy to make friendships because of the close living quarters and the intense emotional job everyone had to deal with every day. I soon did not have such a desire and pain to see my family and boyfriend at home. Everyone at camp filled that spot."

**KERRI: "Once i got used to it i felt like i had been there forever."

**KRISTA: "It's the most overwhelming, tearjearking, phenonminal experience and it's one that you can't have until you take the opportuntity to go to camp and be a part of it!"

**DEUCE: ". Just don't let rumours get out that you hooked up with so many people because that can be bad, You could get a bad nickname if you know what I mean."

And my contributions to Emmies survey:

**LIZ NEWMAN: "You realize the second that you get onto camp that your life is going to change. You realize your life is going to change BIG TIME. But you don't anticipate you changing. You become less selfish- more responsible- more caring- more fun..."

"At camp it doesn't matter what your life at home is like-and it doesn't matter what [things] you like---all that matters is what you're like. You get to know everyone in such a deeper way than you ever get to at home: Camp friends are a totally different kind of friend."

2002-10-21T15:58:00.000-05:00
I just finished my book. My favorite part of "The Lovely Bones" is as follows:

"I had taken this time to fall in love instead-in love with the sort of helplessness I had not felt in death- the helplessness of being alive, the dark bright pity of being human- feeling as you went, groping in corners and opening your arms to light- all of it part of navigating the unknown..."

Song of the moment: Sideways Matt Caplan

2002-10-21T15:55:00.000-05:00
I went to Sandras work and told her a full detailed report of my weekend- and I really don't think that I have the time/energy to relive the entire story again. So instead I'll just say that David and Bobby and Bob are the nicest guys on the entire planet.

Earlier today I was sitting at my computer- while Duncan [my dog] was eating. After he was finished- he looked up at me and let out a giant Moo. He mooed like a cow- didn't growl or bark like a dog. So I've permenatly given him the nickname "cow dog"--- I will call him this instead of "Donut" my other favorite name for him.

I'm weird. It just makes sense that I would have a weird dog.

Cabaret auditions tonight...wish me luck!

2002-10-21T12:38:00.000-05:00
Alright. Thats it. I will no longer post those stupid sappy sad blogs. Ned told me its best not to write personal stuff on the internet- and I agree. So. From now on I plan to quit my whinning. [as well as other things] So. When I get home tonight from my audition. Expect a full detailed report of my weekend.

THE END

2002-10-21T01:56:00.000-05:00
Why can't I sleep anymore? I'm tired all day- but the moment I close my eyes to sleep a thousand thoughts flood me. Everytime my heart beats it shakes me. Everytime I breathe in it takes an enormus amount of concentration. I just want to sleep. To get to sleep and then wake up tomorrow. But I fill all these moments of my days with things- but it feels like I'm just wasting the time. I've been in a good mood lately. It's not typical of my moods but- its pretty good for the people around me. It's been good for me. I've been more organized- polite-responsible...but bored. It's weird. This state I'm in. It's not bad. Just weird. Every movement I make is so meticulous- my thoughts and questions phrased carefully. I'm more composed. I'm more rational. More removed.
But of all these things the one that I'm least excited about is not being asleep at this very moment...

2002-10-20T15:54:00.000-05:00
Song of the day: careful where you stand coldplay

2002-10-19T15:22:00.000-05:00
I don't speed. Not in my car and not through life.
I know more today than I did yesterday. I know enough to realize that I'm dying. Mayber slower or faster than anyone else, but none the less: dying. I don't feel well- but it can't be blamed on any physical ailment. I feel more solemn than I've felt in a while. Maybe the weather with its coldness sinking into my bones has had an affect on my mood. I made a list on my way home from Dekalb today. I had a CD playing- not that it matters- I didn't leave my thoughts long enough to listen. I thought about all sorts of things. Myself partially but mostly my best friends. It seems the list has changed since I last thought of it.

Emilie Bandy- Emmie has the greatest laugh of all time: "she laughs with her whole body..." I have never had so much in common with anyone. I told her that she has all these traits that remind me of lost friendships I've had...and I could never figure out why those friendships didn't work out- I told her that I knew all those people- So that I would know Emilie when I met her. I'll never forget laying by the lake- when we both saw the most amazing shooting star light up the whole sky.

Ned Danson- Neds hair is complete insanity.It's like every bit of life and fight and uniqueness in him boiled up and exploded as a crazy mass on the top of his head. Ned can make me think more intently than I ever anticipated. We listen to similar music-we appreciate the same things. We can agrue with complete passion and still high-five the others remarks. He doesn't care what a single person thinks of him, not for a second. He listens to me when I talk. He tells me not what I want to hear- but what I need to hear. I'll never forget the last day of camp- Ned coming up to me and me saying "I can't say goodbye to you right now" He hugged me and said "I'm not going anywhere..."

Eric Haas- Is my Dawson in a sense. That guy I've known forever. We're nothing alike. But for some reason our friendship and trust compliments the other so well- that it doesn't matter- we always have something to talk about- something to share. I always felt like something never really had happend until I had shared it with Eric. Like my decisions were never quite approved until I ran them by Eric. He's been there for me when I needed someone most- and he has never asked for anything in return.

Sandra Kuligowski- Sandra is adorable- I can only aspire to dress and smile the way that Sandra does. She is the most generous- caring person I've ever known. When she tells stories- she does so with such energy that she's always entertaining. Everything she does is done with such thoughtfulness that it baffles my mind. Two seconds in Sandras company- two words out of her mouth- can change my mood from lame to stellar. She loves with her whole heart. No one is more deserving of the best life has to give, than she is.

David Morrison- This is the strangest of these friendships. Because it has no reason- no driving force other than our own efforts to keep in touch with eachother. I don't see him- its never been convenient to see him. But for some reason he's always there- listening or talking or making me smile. He listens me when I know that I'm whinning. He talks and listens to me with such openness- He's always amazingly generous and completely accepting. Daves eyes are the most beautiful green- when you look to them- they pull you in. He has so much life and charachter and charm he doesn't have to do or say anything and he just glows- like the star he aspires to be.
Only- whether or not he knows it: he already is a star.

2002-10-17T20:47:00.000-05:00
I'm not sure what it is- but everytime I watch one of my brothers do anything- I just about cry. Zachary had his first concert tonight as a student teacher- he wore a suit- he directed all the choirs with his little batton...and it was just the cutest thing I've ever seen. Mom Angie and me sat in the third row- center- and watched Zachary direct random high school students- and I don't think that the three of us stopped smiling the entire time! It was grand! I was/am so proud of my big brother!

2002-10-17T16:29:00.000-05:00
So. I'm filling my car up with gas- minding my own business when the guy next to me goes "what year is your honda?" I have no idea "I think its a 90....3?" Then he smiles and goes "Is it your Dads?" and I said "no. It was my uncles" Then guy goes off "They're great cars...they'll run forever as long as you change the oil...My son has one..he loves it..." me interupting "Yeah. Its a great car" So whats the deal? Is this guy just lonley- or does he just really love Hondas? Or is he creepy old man going through a midlife crisis talking to young girl at the gas station? Or maybe he's just a nice guy- but we really weren't in the position where conversation needed to be made.

Oh well. I digress.

2002-10-16T17:17:00.000-05:00
So. Pretty much- nothing exciting has happen to me at all the past few days. Nothing dramatic or interesting or worth writing about has happend. Its kind of sad.

2002-10-15T15:13:00.000-05:00
So..uh...I think that President Bush just left a message on my answering machine.

2002-10-14T15:45:00.000-05:00
I've just spent the past two hours doing SEVEN math assignments.I hate math. But. After this semester I will NEVER have to take another math class again [insert EVIL laugh]

"Oh yeah. I'm a genius. In everything but Math. In math I'm just above average."

...must be nice....

2002-10-14T13:39:00.000-05:00
It comes on suddenly. Without warning. I'll be gazing up at this beautiful cloudless sky and it hits me: Josh Blue. This of course sets of a chain of thoughts that I would rather not remember. It makes me sad- and thankful all at the same time.

Bens friend Brendon had a good point: "Do you know when you get halfway into a book and it gets really good? Pages turn, corners fold, good lines are noted, undelined, commented on in the margins? You step aside for a second and realize for the first time that you are holding more pages in your left hand than your right, much more."

What if thats someones life? What if every person you know is a novel...I wonder which hands holds more pages for them. Or even for me.

2002-10-14T06:34:00.000-05:00
I have to be at work at 7am this morning. Doesn't that suck?! So that means that I got up at 6- and have to leave my house by 6:30 if I want to be on time. So I've got three minutes.

First of all. I had this crazy-ass dream last night. I know that I always have crazy-ass dreams but last nights was super weirdo. Ned and I are on this weird canoe/snowboard thing- and we're in Alaska and we're sliding up and down these mountains and we're like "This is so intense...no one else is around" Then we bellow down this huge hill into this frozen lake- and we keep breaking the ice- which is alright because this weird thing we've got floats in water- So anyway- here we are minding our own business when Becca and Matt-n-a-hat show up on the same canoe/snowboard thingy. And we're just like "Hey guys" like it was completely normal for them to be in Alaska doing the same psycho weird thing we were doing.

Woops. I'm 3 minutes behind schedual.

2002-10-13T18:07:00.000-05:00
Alright. At this rate. I'll be in Chicago by next fall. Realistic? Not really. I'll be in Chicago by next spring. [Not this spring..but next spring] Thats alright with me. I'm just glad that I finally have things in perspective. It's about time I get my act together.

2002-10-13T09:16:00.000-05:00
I'm kind of disapointed. I just realized today how much work I have ahead of me if I want to actually be somewhere in a year.

2002-10-12T02:07:00.000-05:00
Brace yourself. This is gonna be a long one.

Ever since last Friday- around 3:30pm I have been in the most STELLAR mood. Like I've been shaken out of a coma or something- too involved in being lonley- and too bored to actually see things around me- to actually live my life. And now I do something that makes very innocent bystander in public nervous- I'm smiling. Huge smile. No reason. This insanly good mood makes me nervous...like something really big and bad is looming overhead.. which I'm sure is healthy. [insert sarcasm]

I've been calling friends like crazy. I'm sure my phone obsession started when I told Ned regretfully that I've forgotten the sound of his voice. Within minutes- my phone was ringing= love from Nova Scotia! During the conversation Ned threatens me that if I don't call a certain person A within 4 days- that Ned will never call me again. Talk about modivation. Needless to say I've been on the phone alot the last few days.Dans been fortunate [or unfortunate..depends on how you see it] to get a call from me just about everyday since Tuesday.

Today Audrey and I went and picked up Eric from UWMadison. I love that place. We show up in the "Quad" and we see him and his 'group' in their red blaizers- and we start shouting "Do MOONING!" (an inside joke from my birthday two years ago). A few songs into the concert- Eric stands up at the front mike and sings the solo for "Blue Moon" -- not only had I totally fallen for this other guy in the group who sang the solo for some random song off of "monster ballads"- but was overwhelmed with pride- it was Haasr- all grown up! When we went back to his dorm he introduced me and Audrey to the guys across the hall as "My best friend Liz- and My girlfriend Audrey" Maybe I'm just excited because I hadn't seen him since June. Best friends are the best kind. [insert SMILE]

Get home. Call: Dan. No reason. I like my phone calls to Dan. He makes me happy. Then: Jepsen. "Happy fucking Birthday!" I had sent him a lame email for his birthday last year- so I figured I'd be a better friend and call him this year. Maybe next year he'll even get a hug. Then: Emmie. God I love that girl. I think it was Kerri [!?] on her voice mail "I've got Emilie..shes at my house..." I left her the longest message ever. Then Dave: Dave wasn't home so I talked to Bob. After a five minute conversation of "how you been..."- I ask "do you remeber me" of course he does.Then: Mandy Roman. Totally random phone call- She told me that she misses me so much that she sits in class and tries to draw my signature "stars" she thinks she's got them down. I told her that I miss her so much I went and found the lotion that she always uses- and when I wear it- I smell my hands and go "Mandy..." Next call: Josh Webb. I just like his name better with first and last name. Told him about my stellar mood.

Went to Borders- saw a kid I know from church- definatly can't skip out on teaching on sunday. thats for sure. Ran into Alex. Had a super great conversation- met his friend Matt- he was buying Belle and Sabestian Boy with the Arab Stap. So OF COURSE I had a ton to say about that- I told him "I was gonna buy the strokes- but I don't have twenty bucks to drop on an overpriced CD" he said I could borrow his- I said "You just met me. You're rad" As I was leaving I run into: Charles Matlock. That man- cracks me up. We talked about all sorts of shit- and he was like "Why aren't you at someones school? Siu?"-- I was completely stoked that he rememberd my name- let alone my college.

Go to The Jensens. Kevin is just standing at the door- like he was waiting for me all night. Amy is running around all crazy. Eric and Audrey show up. Finally Amanda shows up. We have those mini reunions every once and a while- and for some reason its like no time as past at all--granted Audrey and Ryan are there: proof of our change...but we just talk and laugh and look at pictures. Dave calls. No matter what I'm always happy to hear his voice- we made plans for me to come see his play next week- He says "if you need a place to say you can stay here..." I thought it went without saying. I always feel so at home at the Jensens. Dan came home- haven't seen him in months- but I don't know what it is about that guy- he's just always made me smile.

I drove down Hononegah Road on my way home. I thought to myself "I've been down this road over a thousand times...its the road that takes me...home." And for the first time since New York...I actually don't mind that I am home.

Song for the moment: Belle and Sabestian: She's losing it.

2002-10-10T19:39:00.000-05:00
So. Dustins got his hand on my shoulder and Dean is all "Get your God damned hands off her!" and Dustin is all "I'm afraid of the dark. But I think I know a way to solve the problem...[sings] Don't shut off the light..."
.Chaos.
I think thats all that needs to be said.

2002-10-09T21:43:00.000-05:00
So. *Something* has taken me out of the Zombie state I was in for the past month. I'm not sure what it was- but it slapped me in the face- and all of a sudden it's like I'm actually feeling things again. But how can I not? It's so fucking beautiful outside I don't know what planet I've been on lately. But I'm glad to be back.

2002-10-09T10:58:00.000-05:00
Less than thrilled.

2002-10-08T19:48:00.000-05:00
1 . I went to the park again today. I took my soup from Beef-a-roo. [for those of you from Canada or Conneticut- its a local fast food chain] The most endearing part about Beef-a-roo is their plain brown take-out bags- with their Logo and a little remark. Today mine said "Hug your Mom" its like a fortune cookie- only much simpler.

2. Shortly after I found myself sitting at a picnic table in my favorite "Picnic" area of Rock Cut State Park, I heard a noise behind me. I jumped and turned to see that a squirrel had climbed up a nearby tree. I laughed and said [yes outloud TO the squirrel] "You scared me" He looked away then looked back at me. "Little you scared me" We sat there for a second looking at eachother until he ran away- met another squirrel half way to the tree line, they ran around eachother a few times then disapeared into the woods. The conversation between them, I imagine- went something like this:

squirrel #2- What'd she say?
squirrel #1- She said that I scared her- Can you fucking believe that? I scared her...
squirrel #2- Well what did you expect, Dude? You totally snuck up behind her.
squirrel #1- Yeah. I suppose you're right.
****I wonder if squirrels sing to themselves as they frolic****
.End Scene.

3. I bought a lighter for a friend of mine. It was put into a collection of treasures- a box I labled "Everything Fish-Fish needs to survive Starlight." It was with a series of silly things each representing an inside joke that probably only I remember. A bag of gummy bears "prelicked" a little blue racecar, a metal coffee mug, a book of one-liners that are much better than "fillers" to break silences, a picture of a semi-truck dressed up as a dinosaur, and a "will light no matter what" flip top lighter. I never gave this box of wonders to him. This lighter has never lit. Not that I haven't tried- out of bordeum or a need to burn things I've tried. It seems so perfect- maybe if He tried it would light. Like this little bit of metal just knows that it wasn't meant for me and my boredum- but for someone else. I also find it a bit ironic. This metal box has everything needed for flame but will never produce one. Much like my short-un-lived relationship with fish-fish.

4. I will never understand my friendship with Troy. Its so dynamic- trusting- genuine- all without an ounce of evidence. In a moment of insecurity- I asked him how any boy could like velcro-shoe-low maintence me- he responds:
"Her features were not of that regular mould which we have been falsely taught to worship in the classical labors of the Heathen.There is no exquisite beauty,' saith Verulam, Lord Bacon, speaking truly of all the forms and genera of beauty, 'without some strangeness.'"

5. I wasn't the only one at the park today. There were the usual runners and bikers, a little girl and her sister? aunt? but not her mom. They went for a hike then played on the swings. The little girl talked about how "at school- during lunch for 50 cents you can buy candy or chips or pop or anything- All for 50 cents" the woman responded by saying "Whenever I swing it makes me want to vomit" At this the little girl lept off the swings and the woman stood up and they got into their car and drove away.
I'm not sure why but I like that story.

2002-10-08T07:21:00.000-05:00
So there is this sub-culture to my family that I never even knew exsisted. Aparently my Dad makes breakfast every single morning- whatever Zachary and Adam want- its theirs at 6am each day. I was just let in on this last night, Dad: Liz, you want me to get you up for breakfast tomorrow? and for some ungodly reason, maybe I feel guilty that he and I don't get along, I said yeah sure. So there I was. Not only does my Dad make breakfast but everyone takes on their early childhood alterego- Adam went by Ant. Zachary went by Rabbit. And I went by Bear: full name of my childhood embarrassment: Lizzie Bear. Aparently to get a nickname in our family, you have to trade in your real last name Newman- for some sort of animal. Adam Ant, Zach-Rabbit, Lizzie Bear, even Duncans name changed this morning to: Duncan Dog. (Which strangely reminds me of my oldest brothers nickname "E-dawg" or "Big E" I'm really not sure how he escaped the first name yours second name animal fate- but its probably the same way he avoided breakfast this morning- he's never here. A big part of me always wishes that he was around more- but I know that it makes no difference what I want so I try not to let it bother me.) As if eat eating breakfast every morning isn't crazy enough it seems that they talk to eachother too. Did you know that the first three numbers to Zacharys SSN are 334- the same as mine? Did you know that Adam absolutely HATES his math teacher? Neither did I. But now I do- and I'm happy that all I had to do was get up at 6am to find out about it.

So. Breakfast was yummy. But class doesn't start until 9:25 so I go back to sleep. I climb in under my warm covers- and start thinking. About my dream- about how Mandy forgot to call me- about saturday night- about how I want to snuggle. If you read this and you're in the "Greater Rockton Area" and want to snuggle- I'll be in my bed tosing and turning.

2002-10-07T22:24:00.000-05:00
I went to the park today. Thats the good thing about living in the "forest city," parks every two feet. Most people I know go to the forest preserve to smoke up. I go because its the only place I can be alone with my thoughts. And its pretty. And if I get bored I can play on the swings. I've got alot on my mind. I didn't realize until I looked at my phone and realized that I had been there laying in the grass looking at the clouds for over 2 hours.

2002-10-06T19:59:00.000-05:00
I have alot to say. I just don't know how to say it.

I love Chicago. I LOVE LOVE LOVE Chicago. I always knew that I did- but this weekend reaffirmed my belief that it is the greatest city of all time. And I know that saying this is going to make me sound like a 13 year old girl- but I am so proud that I went all by myself. Lame I know. But I'm more proud of myself for an overnight trip to Chicago alone than I am about flying into New York all by myself. I'm so glad that I went.

I took the train in. I love taking the train. SO much more than flying or driving- The train is so cheap- and everything looks so pretty when its through that tinted picture window. Maybe part of it is creeping up on the city without being disturbed by its noise- its rush. I took a cab- and found my way to the apartment. I call Dans phone and am like "yeah. I'm looking at the building" he tells me to go around the corner and I'll see him- I do. I walk through the gate- have to fill out some random "cast-crew-or extra" form [I said Crew] walked over and hugged Dan. Same guy...same hat.

Apparently Andy/Soren/Jack didn't know I was coming. Those guys are all great guys- I'm jealous that Mandy has known them so much longer than I have. All of their reactions were adorable- and it made me feel good- even though I haven't talked with Jack and Andy since I last saw them. I don't remember exactly when it was- but there was snow on the ground in Carbondale. The only down thing about the whole night was that I didn't get to hang out with Dan much- but I did pretty well for myself. I made a few new friends- Andy the light guy- looks strangely like Andy Dick- true story. And this guy Matt. Matt looks like Drew- only older and cooler and I started talking to him just because we were just both sitting [bored out of our minds] off to the side- and it started out as typical "so.what do you do" conversation- and we ended up talking about the weirdest stuff. I felt super comfortable with him in like two seconds- then I figured it out- As soon as he opened his mouth- it was like I was talking to Chad [minus Cnuk accent] we just talked and laughed and talked. It was super nice meeting such a nice new friend.

I realized how much I've been saying that people are nice lately. I'm not sure what alien took over my body- but I realize that the old Liz-Newman would NEVER HAVE said "People in Chicago are SO nice!" [insert happy bubblely smile]. Anyway. Back to me. [best segue EVER]

I was talking to guy named AL [who used to go to SIU] about "Atlas Shrugged" [Thanks Ned] and somehow I got to the point where I was like "LETS CALL EMMIE! Come on Al! Lets go call Emmie and you can talk to her!" So. I go to my phone- its flashing- Emmie had called me a few minutes before. How cute is it that our twin telephathy made us want to drunken dial at the some time? I love her. It was rad- I called her and started crying we were so God damn cute. SO. I let her go- then realize Al never got to talk to her! So I call her back- and not only does Al get to talk to Emmie- but so does: Andy-Dan-and Soren. It was hilarious. Dans mission: to use the words Douche Bag twice before the night was over. [he did it] And I was suppost to hug them all from her. [I did it] Go team. So. As I'm sitting on the barstool on the back porch I'm talking to [its either tim or tom they look the same..i'll call him "guy"] Guy. I mention how Emmie likes the same things I do- but is WAY CUTE! And sooo much fun- and somehow Guy wants to met her. He's decided she's marraige material. So Emmie. Hear that? If ya want- you got a guy named Tom or Tim in Chicago. Go team.

Alot of crazy stuff happend this weekend- I've got alot on my mind- but. I'm doing just fine. If you're reading this. I miss you.

2002-10-05T01:05:00.000-05:00
I spent alot of time with Sandra tonight. It's been forever since we've hung out. As always, it was an enjoyable experience.

On our way home- I got a call on my phone- from Dan. I was suppose to meet him tomorrow at his house and we were going to go into Chicago because our friend Jack [well. more his friend Jack..but either way] is filming a movie. But plans changed and the boys were heading into Chicago tonight instead. Which means that I couldn't exactly go. I found this out this afternoon- and was bummed. I had plans to go to dinner with my Grandma- and go to a movie with Sandra- and I'm not one to cancel on people I love. So- no Chicago for me. But regardless- Dan called to tell me that if I still wanted to go- he was willing to wait around and we would carry out plans as we originally intended. I thought it was just about the sweetest thing anyones done for me in a long time. I told him to go ahead and go downtown with the boys- and I'd call him to let him know what time to meet me at the train station. So. Those are my plans for tomorrow.

Sandra and I went and saw "Sweet Home Alabama." It was good. I liked it. Maybe I'm tired of criticizing every film I see- but for some reason I found no flaws. It left me feeling really good- which is a hard thing to come by lately. I feel happy- but never "really good" I'm sure the phone call from Dan helped. Thats all I really have to say. I just wanted my great mood to go documented.

I thank you all for coming. Good night.

2002-10-03T23:39:00.000-05:00
When I was little I used to play hop-scotch. I drew them with chalk ALL over my grandparents basement. I would draw all the boxes and number them. 1-2-3-4 and so on. I had one that ran the length of the basement that went all the way up to 30. I would start at the "Start Line" that I so artisticly chalked on the cement and would 'hop' from box to box in numerical order. I did this all the time. I loved this game. It wasn't until a few years ago that I realized that I had the game all wrong. Yes there were boxes- and yes they had numbers in them, but the entire point of the game was to throw a stone and whichever box it landed in was how many jumps you were allowed to take to get to the "Finish Line" -- My game had a finish line- but the game unfortunatly had no point.

I have this place I like to go when I want to be alone. Its the playground to a school I never went to. I've been doing this for years and for some reason everytime I pull in I recite what I'd say to the cop that questions my presence in this childrens wonderland in the middle of the night. I never stay very long- but it was the place I went to cry once I got home from New York. I haven't cried since- that Sunday after the summer that changed my life. And tonight it dawned on me. It didn't change my life- it just changed me. Thats why this place feels so empty now. So...exhausted. Yes. I'm exhausted of this place.

I've been making a list. It's not written down anywhere- its just in my head. The thought always starts as "I want someone who..." then I finish it with whatever it is that I want. There are all sorts of things- but they're never very glamorus or demanding. Just simple things. I want someone who reads- we can read together and share bits and pieces of our books. I want someone who doesn't have to go out to have fun. I want someone who listens when people talk. I want someone who listens to good music and doesn't care that I sing along. But I always close those thoughts with "I want someone who...probably doesn't exsist"

2002-10-03T00:52:00.000-05:00
This is gonna be a long one. So you might wanna go grab something to eat before you start.

So I woke up this morning with a terrible feeling because of my dream. I go to work- talk to Holand and her response to my dream: "Yeah. I dunno Liz.Thats Fucked up" I went through my whole day feeling like I never even woke up. Just that strange sedated feeling.

I walk into work today: Kevins mouth drops open- Megan freaks out "your hair! Its SO cute!" Patty says something- Jerry says something- Christopher says something- Nick says something- Holand says something-Josh says something- Amanda says something- all good and all within 3 seconds of seeing me.I had my hair cut for six hours before anyone in my family noticed. Well. Maybe they noticed- but I had it cut for 6 hours before any of them said anything. My mom asks me if I like it I say "yeah! I love it" and she responds "oh well. it'll grow back"
Does that make any sense to anyone? Please. Let me know.

I actually missed a class today because I couldn't find a parking spot. I swear. And it wasn't even that I couldn't find a good parking spot- it was that there were no possible places to park my car. And this is the class that I never go to. So imagine my dismay as I plan on being a good student and have that plan foiled by fate. Just a little more evidence pointing towards this idea that I shouldn't try to be a student any longer.

Kevin and Chris 'saved' two baby mice today "Nibbles" and "NumNum" - they were keeping them in a blue garbage can with a bucket of popcorn. We went up to the lobby to ask Mike [my boss/the starlight dad] if we could keep them. Actually Kevin did all of the talking. He said no way. Which provoked Jerry to ask more creative questions of what we could do with the mice. "Can we make a boat and send them off into the pond like Mosas? And see if they become God mice someday?" ...."Can we give them both toothpicks and make them fight til the death?" and my personal favorite "Can we make them little parachutes and throw them off the roof?" Which led us into our next great idea. Kevin and I want to throw [and video tape] us throwing a watermelon off the roof of the Beast. [the theaters initals are BST so we call it the beast] The stage house is ridiculously tall. We think it would be fun.

More about work: We disassembled the Shakespeare set. We made a pretty close replica of Shakespeares "The Globe" theater. Only, where we store things is back behind deck- so you have to carry stuff off the front of the stage, down this big hill to the back of the stage house. Well. We make everything out of this thing called 'wood' and let me tell you something. That stuff is heavy. So. We've got this HUGE staircase unit on this blue roller thingys- we're walking it down to the shed- and the handrail on the stairs won't clear the walk about so Ang is like "Liz. Grab a gun and take the railing off" So. Kevin and Chris and Angelo are all holding the staircase on the hill so it doesn't roll away- while I do some unnessesscary acrobatics to get up the stair case and un screw the hand rail. It really isn't that interesting/cool- I just thought it was neat.

My favorite moment today was when I was the only person on stage- with one of the main doors open to a beautiful gloomy rainy fall day- Indigo Girls blasting all around me. It was surreal.

So. I can't beleive that I actually did this. I'm embarrassed and ashamed. I lost my "IS address book" I know. How could I? But whats done is done. And I've already kept in touch with the three people that I actually care about.

I'm not sure what it is. But I love bookstores. I don't think that it has anything to do with reading- and I don't like Librarys at all- but for some reason I love the coffee smell- chill music and just being surrounded by books. Its weird- but Borders can put me in the best of moods.

Alright. One more thing and I'm totally done. www.emogame.com It is this most hilarious thing I've ever seen on the internet. Seriously.

2002-10-02T10:51:00.000-05:00
I have the weirdest most elaborate dreams. I can't even begin to explain how strange my subconscious is. I'm not going to try and recreate my dream- because whenever I try- I always feel like I do a terrible job of accuratly describing my dream- and the listener only says things like "yeah. thats weird." and then I had wasted 5 minutes of both of our lives that we will never get back. In that case. I'm going to stop talking.

2002-10-01T17:06:00.000-05:00
"Shine like the star that you are, Liz Newman, Shine away… and don’t let anyone tell you different." --Donatello

2002-10-01T13:55:00.000-05:00
I'm not sure what it is about Tuesdays. But I enjoy them. You would think that because of classes I would hate Tuesdays but Stage Make-up, Acting and Intercultural Communications never seem to put me in a bad mood. Is that real? Classes that I actually enjoy?! No way!

I know I've been talking about cutting my hair- but when I talk about things I don't always think about them. For example: When I left for college- it was just a normal day for me- no silly good-byes or anything- I just got in my car and drove 7 hours. OR when I left for camp- I didn't think about it- I just did it. So today- without thinking- I cut my hair. I cut like 8 inches off my hair. I plan to color it within the next few days without thinking about it. Just do it. Thats what I always say. (Well, no. I don't always say that- I usually say "Knock yourself out" or "rad") [moving on]

I would have to say that I miss some people. Miss them like I've never known to miss friends. I keep hoping that any of them will just show up one day and surprise me. Like for some reason in my head its completely practical for Ned to hop a flight from Nova Scotia and just wander into my work. [*Hint*Hint] Or that Emilie will just ring my doorbell. Oh well. Its nice to dream.

Talked to Haasr last night. Well not really 'talked' but typed. I'm going to see him in two weeks- in Madison. I'm excited- I haven't seen him since June. And, I think thats way too long. I'm gonna drive up on Friday- and hopefully catch him singing at the homecoming game- then do whatever. Probably talk about anything and everything. I'm not worried about what we'll do we always manage to entertain ourselves.

I got paid yesterday so I'm gonna go spend money on myself. For once.

2002-09-29T22:52:00.000-05:00
So I was so overwhelmed with the awful mood I was in Friday-Saturday that I completely forgot about any of the good things that happend.

It was the last day of the Shakespeare festivel so everyone got silly during Taming of the Shrew. Mike dubbed it a "moon fest" for it seems as if asses were being displayed on and off stage. Christopher Brady thought it would be cool to pull his tights down- so he could easily flash those of us off stage by flipping his skirt. Riley [who is 13] got someone to write "kiss it" on his underaged butt. It was a silly day. To say the least.

Mike took us to JMK between shows. It was pretty uneventful. Me/Jerry/Teddy and the moron triplets [Riley-Matt-Jordan] at a table. Jerry and I devoured an entire plate of sushi- except the one spicy tuna that we gave Riley to try. His eyes welled up and his cheeks puffed out. I thought it was going to kill him. He chewed it up and kept it in his mouth for what must have been 5 minutes. At least it was amusing for the rest of us- Riley declared that he would "never eat Sushi AGAIN."

Thats all I got.

2002-09-28T23:54:00.000-05:00
Damn it. I can't figure out this whole comments thing for the life of me.

2002-09-28T23:35:00.000-05:00
I'm sorry to those who also use this template. I'm not copying you. This is just the only one that I like.

I could really write for an hour all of the things that are filling my head.
But I don't feel much like baring my soul to something thats not breathing.
Something thats not going to give me any sort of feedback.

Tomorrow my life returns to boring.

2002-09-26T16:19:00.000-05:00
So. Today- Josh taught me how to work the voice activation on my cell phone. (Which, you know I don't need.) But regardless. I was so excited. And then so disapointed when my voice activation has: Home, Josh, Eric, Manda and Sandra. Cool. Maybe I should have a cell phone when I actually have people to call.

Why are all my friends in different time zones? *sigh*

2002-09-26T01:07:00.000-05:00
I miss you. I miss my life. I miss Carbondale. I miss camp. I miss you.

Songs you have to download and listen to: RIGHT NOW

"Meet me halfway there" by Student Rick
"Mona Lisa and Madd Hatters" :Elton John

2002-09-25T16:21:00.001-05:00
blog is smarter than i am.

2002-09-25T16:21:00.000-05:00
I was leaving work today when I ran into AJ [no not literally] and he asked where I was going and I said "I have..." and before I could say "class" he says: "A life" Which really struck me as odd because I hadn't thought of my Work/Class/Theater/Penny Beige routine as much of a life. But it must be. And its mine. It just strikes me as weird.

I don't use my Blog as often as I should- yet I get annoyed when I check my friends blogs and they haven't written. Call me a hypocrite. I write just about everyday. Just not in here. Maybe I should start posting the half written songs I think up. Or maybe not. Maybe you'll all just have to wait and come to Penny Beige shows- and wait in anticipation until we record an EP. Maybe you'll be waiting forever.

I'm in a weird state when it comes to the theater/school/life/love. I'll address the problems as I listed them. For some reason I've found myself discouraged about Cabaret. If I had it my way- I'd cast myself with a pretty important part...but I just can't see Mike casting me with anysort of role. Sure. I'm a good chorus member. But I think I do pretty well for myself when I have an actual part. I've found myself hating school and homework. I've always hated school- and now I'm contemplating not going back. I've told myself before semester started for years that this time I was actually going to try- but I hate it. I have yet to learn anything valueable from any of my classes. Unless you count all the things I've learned in Stage-Makeup. But really. What is that going to get me in real life? Not much. Unless I decide to be a makeup artist...and although it would be interesting....I'm not that talented of an artist. But I don't know what other step to take but go to school. So I supppose I'll just suffer through it. Which leads me into my next topic of discussion. I don't have a damn clue where I'm going in life...something about "this place leaves me feeling empty." And on the latter--> I don't even remember how to persue a relationship. I'm sure that I sound like some old divorcee- or widow who hasn't dated in years. Honestly. It's been so long since I've had to make any sort of effort what-so-ever with a guy- in Carbondale it was so easy. Not just for me- but for any chick- we were so outnumberd there that it felt like you always had a plethora of guys to pick from. And trust me- I appreciated it while it was there- but I never dug any of the guys that much. How is it now that I actually have substantial feelings for someone I don't have a clue how to go about it.

Oh well. Good Luck to me.

2002-09-22T23:42:00.000-05:00
I've neglected this blog for a few days. I've been engulfed in shakespeare for far too long. My days have run into eachother..and I feel like the past week has been just one VERY long day. Days of Q743.5 and other moments where I fucked up my simple job of pushing a button. [really. Everyone thinks that running light tech is so hard...but its not. You look at the script- and you push a button. If you fuck up thats when it gets hard] And other moments of free food from Linos. Thanks Mike. Tomorrow I plan to do nothing. Sleep as long as I can. Have band practice somewhere around 4- then go to class at 6. Other than that I plan to do ABSOLUTELY nothing. I miss those college days when life schedualed plenty of time for a nap.

I digress.

2002-09-19T16:56:00.000-05:00
My mother walks in this afternoon, looks down at me on the computer and goes "what. you're cold?! you must be getting sick" Can't I just be cold? Does there always need to be a defined cause for every affect? My moms just weird like that. She insists that I'm allergic to cats. Zachary wants a kitty- and we can't because "lizzie is allergic". I had no idea I was allergic to cats. None of the cats I've ever been around have botherd me more than annoyed me...

16 hours a day of Shakespeare.

This morning I woke up [ten minutes late for work mind you] and my equilibrium was way off. I spent the first 20 minutes of my day knodding off sideways into stuff. I can't say it was a sensation that I really enjoyed. I was sure that I had vertigo. Wouldn't that be great to add to the list of ridiculous ailments I've had? That and the flesh eating virus I had in my back for a while. ALL TRUE. Regardless of the random virus or disease I've got- I've felt pretty mellow the last few days. Working on music for the band. Working backstage for the Shakespeares.

Waiting for life...to begin.

2002-09-18T17:03:00.000-05:00
so today a million people asked me what i wanted to do with my life..

i told my 'makeup artist' -a casting director- i told my photographer -a golf pro-the woman who works at beliot country club -a foot doctor- and the lady that got me a pop -a puppeteer-

heres my advice: when you're tired of answering the same question..mess with their heads..

2002-09-17T23:38:00.000-05:00
Today. I started a band.

Well. Not myself souly. That line should read: Today. Josh and I started a band. But. Seeing as I've already talked about Josh in my blog, I didn't want to talk about him again so soon- (for fear that some random reader would get the wrong idea). anyway.

As we were sitting in the tree house tonight (being bored with the crowd for there were no "i want to hold your hand" couples) somehow we got onto what to name a band. Or I think I just stated a name of a band...and we went off into this tangent on logos- and music generas and what we both play.

Thus: penny beige is formed.

2002-09-17T00:00:00.000-05:00
Alright. I've already tried this post once today. I'll be damned if Blog steals another.

I dictated to myself all day the things I would write here. But for some reason I can't remember them all.

1. Holand Zander stepped on [and killed] a baby bunny today. A BABY BUNNY! With her FOOT! She was devistated. As I would have been.

2. Its about that time of year that I get ungodly sick for no damn reason. Its happend to be ever year since...well forever. Some of my favorite near-death experiences: When I was two I had a tumor in my leg. When I was ten my appendix burst and I spent a month in the hospital. When I was 17 I had mono-so badly that my throat swelled shut. And last year I became so sick I was hospitalized on 2 seperate occasions. Remember- these experiences all took place towards the end of September- So. I've got that going for me.

3. The Rockford newspaper used to do this "rising star" thing- a feature on a student that basically just praised them for doing whatever it is they do. Whether it be nothing or something remarkable. I was in the newspaper quite a bit throughout highschool- but dude, never once was I featured as a "rising star."

4. I completely bombed my math test today. I climbed to the top of the mountain- and bellflopped into a foot of water. I probably got 40points out of a hundred. And I'm so embarrassed by it- I don't even want the teacher to grade it.

2002-09-16T00:53:00.000-05:00
Josh Webb, (who has become somewhat of a partner in crime )and I (well mostly just me) have nicknamed the tech booth: the "tree house," you take 3 steps downward to get in- then climb a haphazardly made ladder to a 'perch' covered in carpet where you sit with the board on a shelf at your lap while your feet hang down into nothingness. All we need to complete the treehouse- or 'fort' is some juiceboxes.

Tonight- we had an audience- and Josh and I were being.. "big brother" [for lack of better expression] to the people there. "Guitar 15m (11:33:17 PM): spies, you mean?" I suppose Ben- simply because we can see them- and they can't see us.
We noted on the 'couples' in the crowd and one in particular. These two sitting next to eachother both desperatly wanted to hold the others hand both were sitting with the closer arms outstretched [uncomfortably so] it was just burning obvious. Josh and I were the sports announcers watching their every move. And when they FINALLY took hands- we cheered like our team just made a touch-down. But we may have taken it took far. After the show- Josh and I RAN out into the parking lot to see what came of it, and when they climbed into the car together- it took just about every bit of strength not to high-five.

In other news.

I came out of the theater tonight- cut through flower bed to get to my car faster- took two steps planted my right foot in a hole- and went face first into the grass. I went down like an old lady.

2002-09-14T00:25:00.000-05:00
Today- I took the cherry picker 40ft up in the air- to spraypaint the barrings for the Henry IV ceiling. I hadn't realized the impression the paint left on me until just now [6 hours later] I removed my watch- and found its imprint much whiter than the rest of my arm- and just a second ago when I blew my nose. Yeup. Black snot. Neat.

I said a goodbye today without ever saying a word. Its a situation that I care not to go into. But I closed a chapter thats probably been closed for a while. And have finally gotten some closure. Fish Fish, I bid you adieu.

"Your star is set for shooting and I've been watching the night sky. In hopes by then what binds us has come untied." --Anthony Rapp

2002-09-13T00:47:00.000-05:00
Shame on us for making such an agressive mockery of such a beautiful piece of art.
I sat on book tonight for a show that opens in 3 days. Troilous and Cressida. It was genious. touching. silly and terrible all at the same time. What started out as a beautifully interpreted portrayal of script soon became an outrageously ridiculous farce.

What was suppost to be the most horrific touching moment- the only real tragedy of this tragedy- when the hero Hector is slain by an unforgiving swarm- was portrayed similar to Robs imaginative attack on Ian in High Fidelity. It was accompained by Achillies [Teddy] not only doing an elbow drop- but then once Hector was annouced dead Achilles last words were "Hector is Dead! Muwa-ha-ha" while doing a 'na na na' gesture with his hands around his face. All the actors are in full white body makeup as well as entirely white costumes, the theory is that the audience will see it as greek statues coming to life and performing the play...and it works, on many different levels. Troilous spent an entire scene laughing until tears streaked his face. Smuding the white body make-up on one side- making him resemble the sad clown at the circus. My personal favorite moment [besides Teddys elbow drop] was when Helen of Troy came out onto stage. (She is played by an older woman [of 60 or so] and with the makeup and wig she looked truely horrific) BUT the best part was the director behind me attempting to stiffle his laughter, in the midst of his wheezes- he whispers to me: "what the fuck was I thinking?" At which I turn and see that his face is showerd in tears. I laughed so hard. I couldn't sit upright.

2002-09-12T17:09:00.000-05:00
So. Something superb happend today...[drumroll please] I have NO money for another two weeks! Someone superior thought "hey. Liz has been broke for a month now- whats another two weeks?" The jury is still out on whos fault this is- but either way it sucks. SUCKS I tell you. Its insane. The plans I've made must now be put off for another two weeks. I have to ask my dad for money to pay for some classes and he'll definatly be put off by that. Great.

In other news, something actually superb happend today. I made TWO friends. Oh yes, what brought this on you may ask? Well. I'm really not sure either. But one friend is just another one of those internet corrospondant friends-(Bens got his own blogger account- http://www.asleepfromday.net/ I definatly recommend you read some of this stuff- he's a very funny guy) but the other new friend is a real living- breathing- I could actually hang out with if I actually had some money- kind of friend. Hooray! Now all I've got to work on is getting some money.

2002-09-12T13:55:00.000-05:00
My life- has gotten disgustingly uneventful. And every time I complain about it "*sigh* nothing ever happens" I'll wake up late- or the battery on my car will die. For example this morning I responded to a friends "have a good day" with "i'll try but nothing ever happens," so what happens today? My watch stops. I get sauce on my shirt. I don't think that I'm over simplifying my life. And I don't think I'm being too pessimistic. NOTHING EVER DOES HAPPEN.

2002-09-11T10:33:00.000-05:00
I suppose that this is the begining.

2002-09-11T10:32:00.000-05:00
Last night we pulled an "all nighter" in the theater. Frantically trying to finish the Shakespeare set in time for this mornings 7:45 9/11 memorial service. I walk onto the stage around 10pm and not only was CNN loudly being broadcast and being projected onto the set as everyone worked- but people were flying around smoking inside- drinking insane amounts of coffee. I have a feeling that how it felt to be inside the stagehouse was similar to the comotion inside a beehive...I still have paint under my finger nails. Somehow last night I think I came as close to understanding Neds 'planting trees'ness as I ever will. In that room with those twenty something people- just concerned with painting and painting faster.

So maybe its hone. Or maybe its that I've spent some insane amounts of time alone lately, but something is bringing up all these thoughts that I had decided not to think anymore. Maybe its home and the music I've been indulging in is filled with constant reminders- but whatever the reason I wish these things would do a better job of evading my thoughts. I want so badly for someone to be here. Someone honest and forgiving--those friends who allow you to be sad and arrogant and angry. A friend who you don't always have to greet with a smiling face to remain friends--Simpily because they have done nothing to deserve your real self. Maybe I'm waxing philosopical right now. I'm too overdramatic- or overly analytical.

I think I just miss my real friends.